Honoring America’s Caregiving Heroes

Caregiving is on the rise in America. We’d like to share inspirational stories honoring just a few of the remarkable people who put their lives on hold everyday to care for elderly, ill family members. We hope their stories inspire you as they’ve inspired us.

Charles Gray, 88, is a caregiver for his wife Grace, who has dementia. Charles is an accomplished artist who has given up his craft to provide 100 percent daily care for his wife. “I do it out of love, because we’ve been married for 67 years. It’s what I want to do,” says Charles. “She said today, ‘Where is my husband?’ so I sat down and put my arm around her and tried to explain that he’s right here and he’s been here for years. My life turned out to be a caregiver, but I’m not a remarkable person. I’m just a person who does it, that’s all.”

Larry Bocchiere, 63, was a full-time caregiver for his wife Deborah, who died of emphysema in 2013. “Spousal caregivers lose a lot. They lose their best friend, their lover, half of the team that raises the kids and keeps up the house income,” says Larry. “When we first got the diagnosis, it was real tough. But you learn to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I look back now, and say, ‘How did I ever do it?’ I don’t know. You do what you have to do, especially when you’re dedicated to someone. I don’t say that caregivers are superheroes, but they go above and beyond what normal people do.”

Larry learned that taking care of himself was vital when he was caring for his wife 24 hours a day, every day. “I’ve learned that I’m human. You need to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of someone else and maintain a life. You can’t be involved in only caregiving or when the caregiving ends, you’ll be in a lot of trouble. Reach out and get a support group. Nobody can do it alone.”

Bonnie Little, 60, is a caregiver for her husband Harry, who has Parkinson’s disease. Bonnie was a licensed real estate broker who left her job to care for her husband full-time. “We’ve been married 30 years. He’s a Vietnam vet so he has health conditions related to Agent Orange exposure. It started a few years back when his driving wasn’t right. That’s when he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Now I do all the work he used to do and take a care of him too. But you deal with what you have in front of you and you make the best of everyday. I’m still happy to just have him.”

Read more about remarkable caregivers here.

Reprinted with permission from Passare.com.

Six technology ideas for older generations

There is an exciting new wave of senior-friendly technology on the market that was designed to make an elder’s life more enjoyable while giving their family members peace of mind.

Most of these new tools were created to provide security, connection and comfort to elders who want to live out their final days in their own home. Already on the market is a gadget called the E-Pill, which reminds seniors to take their daily medications. Another monitoring tool in development is a fiber-optic ‘magic carpet’ that detects when a person has fallen.

Small sensors in the carpet send signals to a computer that can identify changes in walking behavior, which could also predict oncoming falls. This is great news for elders who live at home when you consider falling accidents account for half of their hospital admissions. In addition to monitoring tools, there is a slew of new technology designed to help older people stay in touch with family members.

Many seniors are already using tablets, which are simple to operate and easier to read than smartphones. Older Americans can also use their tablets to download apps that can do things like call for help during an emergency, easily access their contact list or sharpen their brains with mind games.

Experts believe technology helps “live-at-home” seniors feel less isolated by staying connected to current events and the outside world. A recent Pew study found regular Internet use reduces elderly depression by 33 percent. That’s why it’s no surprise to learn social networking is on the rise among seniors. The study found 46 percent of elders were active on social networks in 2013, up from 33 percent from 2011. The study also reported seniors who use social networks socialize in real life more than elders who do not.

The uptick we’re seeing of older Americans using technology “is really about them wanting to connect and communicate and find the information they need,” said study author and telecommunications professor Shelia Cotton. Read the story here.

Reprinted, with permission, from Passare.com.

An Old Metal Lunchbox

By Sandy George

It’s my job to make sure my stepmother ends up in the metal lunchbox above the refrigerator. The lunchbox—one of those old metal ones with the rounded top for a thermos—has been above the refrigerator for at least thirty years. My brother, sister, and I had made a sport out of trying to hide it when my dad had first married her, but she’d always found it and returned it to its space. We gave up the game before their first anniversary.

It’s not that she particularly loves that lunchbox. It just suits her and her lack of reverence for any kind of ceremony. And everyone always knows where it is.

Being put in charge of the lunchbox spurred me to talk to my dad about end-of-life wishes. I thought it’d be a piece of cake. We talk about everything, my dad and I—politics, religion, sex, science, parenting—nothing is off the table.

Until I told him about the lunchbox.

Before I could even ask any of the questions I’d planned (Did he have a will? Who did he want to make end-of-life decisions for him? Who had power of attorney? Was he an organ donor? Where did he want to be buried? Cremation or burial?), he stopped me with, “I don’t want to talk about death.”

“It’s not about death,” I tried. “It’s just, you know, paperwork. Wills, DNRs …”

“Nope. I’m not tempting God.”

My dad has never been particularly religious during my life, having left Catholicism before I was born. And he’d had no trouble talking about wills and DNRs a decade earlier when I went into emergency surgery and he pushed me to complete all the right forms because by then I was a mom.

I parroted back the argument he’d used with me back then: “You know, if we don’t discuss these things now, you’re going to leave me to guess during an incredibly difficult time.”

“Nope.”

I guess he is more superstitious than I thought.

I tried getting my stepmother to talk to him, but he told her the same thing.

Maybe the important difference between my father and my stepmother is that my stepmother has been through it. She was the one who had to sort out everything after her mother died. Her brother had been living in another country, and her sister had been dealing with a special needs child. So my stepmother was the one who cleaned out her mother’s home, tracked down all the paperwork, divvied up possessions, and tried to balance everyone’s emotions and sentimentalities (and greed). She says it was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. She says nothing brings out the worst in people like a death. She says the lunchbox is easy.

My father hasn’t talked to his parents since leaving home in his teens. He didn’t even go their funerals.

With all that in mind, I called my brother and sister. We were going to have to make decisions, but we didn’t need to wait until we were thrown into it.

My brother said right up front he wanted my sister and I to handle it, not because he didn’t care, but because he respects us and won’t have any problem with us making decisions. My brother is great at being a support but not so good at taking the lead.

My sister and I are very very different people. We don’t see eye to eye on much. But she’s a nurse, and when I told her I wanted her to be the one to make medical decisions should my dad become incapacitated, she was relieved. When she told me she wanted me to deal with the paperwork side of things, I was relieved. My sister is good at decisions but not follow-through. She is disorganized but thoughtful. I am good at figuring out who needs to do what and making a lot of moving parts work together, but I’m not good at safeguarding anyone’s feelings.

We talked a long time, my sister and I, sharing memories of what my dad had said over the years, putting together the clues as to what sort of funeral services would make him happy. We talked about things he had said about friends who had been hospitalized, comments he’d made about movies or news reports. We wrote it all down and put it in my safe. When the time comes we won’t have to start from scratch.

It was one of the nicest discussions my sister and I ever had.

We maintain hope that my dad will change his mind and makes some plans. But he’s nearly 80 now. His favorite saying is from Woody Allen: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” Woody got if from a Yiddish proverb that says, “We plan, God laughs.” I guess God and my dad have that in common.

Capturing a Life

Thirty-two years ago I met a boy and fell in love. The same night I met him, I met his mother, who immediately welcomed me into the family. After a few years, the boy and I fell out of love, as often happens in young relationships. His mother and I stayed close for a while, but we also grew apart eventually, only getting together for dinner every few years or so. We have managed to keep up on each other’s lives through Facebook, but it’s not the same.

A few months ago, her daughter messaged me to let me know her mother had recently gotten out of the hospital. The doctors had told her she had months left to live and hospice workers were working with her to keep her comfortable at home in the time she had left.

This is the woman who took me in when I was an awkward young woman and helped prepare me for adulthood. She took me shopping, helped me figure out my grownup style, taught me about fancy restaurants and what the extra forks were for. She gave me a very expensive set of silverware for my 21^st birthday, silverware my teenage children and I still use today. More importantly, she taught me how to give and to listen and to value and appreciate who I am.

This woman did so much to help shape me into the woman I am today, but I hadn’t seen her in person in nearly eight years. I knew she had found new love, and that she had moved to California to be with him, but I didn’t know much about him or her new life. I post on Facebook more than she does, so she knew much more about my life than I knew about hers.

Knowing how much time had passed since I’d last seen her made me sad. But I had been given the gift to fix it before it was too late, so I made the trip over the hill to her home in California. I arrived to discover that the loud, vibrant redhead I remembered had been replaced with a frail, white-haired woman accompanied by oxygen tubes and a walker.

I didn’t have much of a plan for the weekend except to catch up with her and find out what she’d been up to in the decades since I had last spent quality time with her. Though she was weak, she was happy to see me and very much enjoyed talking and laughing and sharing her stories. As a communications professional, I’m used to writing down the profound things people tell me so I asked her if I could take notes while she told me about not only the last two, but the nearly eight decades she has spent on this earth.

She told me about her birth in Oregon and her childhood in the Bay Area. She told me about her tough relationship with her mother, how much she had adored her father, and how those relationships helped shape her to become the wonderful mother and grandmother she became.

She told me about her first love (the father of my first love) and how beautiful he had been when she met him in high school. She shared details of their courtship and the three beautiful children they had made together. That was also when I learned about the two stillborn babies that should have been.

She told me about her second husband and how they had built a tile business together – this one I knew since that’s where she worked when I met her, but I got details about the relationship that gave me more insight into her. And I was finally old enough to ask how she managed to remain friends with both of her ex-husbands – friendships that lasted right up until the day each of them died.

She shared stories about her great-grandmother, who she credited with inspiring her to become the successful businesswoman she was. And I learned more about what the world was like for women in the decades before I was born. I knew she had fought to make the fulfilling life she had for herself and her children, but I didn’t fully realize how hard that must have been for a single mom to do in a man’s world. She told me that she learned to cuss when she started buying and renting out homes, as she stood 5’3” in heels so she had to make sure she was heard when she walked onto a construction site.

And I finally got to know her last love – the younger brother of her best friend from high school – who she rediscovered in her early 60s and who now stood by her as she prepared to pass on to her next adventure.

As she shared her stories with me, I realized that these conversations would make an obituary that could at least attempt to capture her vivaciousness, so I asked her, and her daughter’s permission, to interview them for that purpose.

As the writer in the family, I’m often called on to write obituaries, but this is the first one I have researched while the person is still alive. It’s so much better – you get to include things that are important to them – things you would never know about if they didn’t tell you. And you don’t have to guess the names of everyone they want included in the story of their life. The experience of getting that information directly from the person you’re writing about cannot be duplicated.

I highly recommend this exercise once you know someone is on their way. First of all, go visit them, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m still very sad that she’s dying, but I am making peace with it because we had such a good time together. I cried more than she did, and she comforted me just like she used to, but now I’m the same age she was when I first met her.

I’m so relieved that I got the chance to see her before she dies, and to tell her how very much she means to me. Writing her obituary is a very small way I can honor her life and what she gave to me, and to so many others.

So I’m writing it now. It’s a labor of love and a work in progress, something I will continue to work on until the time comes for it to be put to work.

If you know someone who is facing the end of their life, you might consider doing the same. The dying person obviously needs to be okay with the idea, but I’ve found that many older people are much more comfortable talking about their deaths than we are. And I think most people would enjoy the opportunity to share the highlights of their lives with someone who is very interested in what they have to say.

Through writing her obituary, I hope to recapture and honor Sandy and share her spirit and her laugh with the hundreds of people whose lives she touched.

That seems like the least I can do for the woman who gave me so much.

 

Reprinted with permission from Reno Moms Blog.

 

Planning a Green Funeral

The natural (or green) burial movement is based on the belief that death care practices don’t have to be harmful to the environment. Even cremation, which many consider to be more environmentally friendly than traditional burial, is really more of a gray area than a green option. The following ideas may help you consider how to plan a green funeral for yourself or a loved one.

Body Preservation

One of the most harmful and toxic chemicals used for traditional burial is embalming fluid containing formaldehyde. Many natural burial advocates suggest using refrigeration or eco-friendly embalming fluid as an alternative option for preserving the body. Refrigeration over a long period of time can be expensive, so when planning ahead, ensure that your funeral will be able to be held in a relatively short period of time. If you know that you will want to have a public viewing, consider specifying that you prefer formaldehyde-free embalming fluid. The Green Burial Council, one of America’s largest natural burial organizations, notes that in addition to the benefits to nature, these processes are also better for funeral worker health.

Biodegradable Casket or Shroud

A variety of coffins, caskets, or shrouds can be found on the market that are made from biodegradable substances like silk, willow, bamboo or hemp. Even simple (sustainably harvested) wood caskets are good options, and a stand-by for hundreds of years before modern burial practices emerged.

Burial in a Traditional Cemetery

Some cemeteries require a concrete grave liner or vault to encase the casket and prevent the ground from sinking over time. If you don’t have a green cemetery or natural preserve in your area, one option could be to place a biodegradable casket in contact with the earth, and to then install the vault (without a lid) over the casket. This allows the casket to degrade naturally, while preserving the cemetery’s landscape.

Eco-Friendly Grave Markers

C.A. Beal, a natural burial advocate in the United Kingdom, considers (among other natural burial concerns) the maintenance and upkeep that is required when concrete monuments, which will eventually sink into the soil, are erected to mark gravesites. Rather than interfere with nature in this way, she suggests having a memorial tree planted over your grave. In addition to providing a place for loved ones to visit and reflect, it will also make your last act one that gives back to earth in a simple yet enduring way.

Other green options include a shrub, a rose bush, perennial flowers or a large rock or engraved stone. Most cemeteries today offer GPS location to find a loved one’s grave. If your preferred cemetery does not allow for non-traditional grave markers, opt for a lower-impact version, such as a small plaque. Natural burial does not necessarily negate having a visitation, a funeral service, or a permanent place for loved ones to visit and grieve. In many ways, a green burial can offer loved ones even greater comfort knowing that you are participating in the natural cycle of life and death, even after life has come to a close.

Grief Expressions & the Possibility of Complicated Grief

The expression of grief is one of the oldest and most universal experiences in life. Sometimes expressions of grief and mourning fit into a cultural or religious context. At other times, grief is a highly personal and individual experience. One of the disadvantages of dealing with grief on your own is that it can be difficult to tell when you or someone you love is experiencing complicated grief, which the Mayo Clinic refers to as Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder.

Recognizing Complicated Grief

Grief can be difficult to gauge because there is no set timeline or standard for when and how it unfolds. This is compounded by the fact that, at least initially, normal grief and complicated grief look the same. The Mayo Clinic outlines the trademark phases of normal grief. Full acknowledgement of a loss is often delayed, especially if a loved one dies unexpectedly, or if you lose someone you did not interact with on a daily basis (such as a friend or family member who lived far away). You should also expect that grief will be characterized by contradictory thoughts and emotions and may subside only to come back in full force during significant times like birthdays or anniversaries.  What distinguishes complicated grief is that it does not subside at all; instead, it often grows worse as time passes. Rather than moving on from your loss, you become immersed in it and may be incapable of fulfilling responsibilities or maintaining relationships with friends and family members.

Risk Factors of Complicated Grief

Little is known about the causes of complicated grief —they can range from inherited genetic traits to environment, individual personality or any combination of various factors. While there is no exact means of determining if someone will struggle with complicated grief (or, if they do, what consequences it will have), there are risk factors that may increase susceptibility. According to the Mayo Clinic, these include the nature of the relationship with the deceased (especially if the bereaved was close to or dependent on them), the circumstances surrounding the death (such as unexpected or violent causes) and the presence of other exceptionally stressful factors in one’s life. The lack of a good support system, a history of depression or a traumatic childhood may also contribute to complicated grief. In addition to these potential consequences, complicated grief disrupts one’s ability to enjoy life, to be active in the lives of their friends and family, and to maintain a sense of purpose and meaning. Because of the nature of complicated grief, a person who is struggling with it may be unable to help themselves, or to even recognize that they need help.

Consequences of Complicated Grief

While the causes of complicated grief may not be completely understood, the many serious consequences of this condition are well-documented. They include: significant disturbances to sleep; increased risk of substance abuse; depression, anxiety and/or suicidal thoughts; inability to follow daily routines, maintain relationships or perform at work; increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Grief is inherently complex. The intensity, length and nature of grief depend on each person’s individual personality and the nature of the relationship with the deceased. However, grief recovery is characterized by a steady increase in the ability to re-establish your life and routine, to enjoy work and hobbies and to actively maintain relationships. If you or someone you love is finding it difficult to re-engage in the normal flow of life, complicated grief may be a factor. You should talk to someone you trust or to a medical professional.

Creative Ideas for Personalizing a Funeral

Have you ever attended a funeral in the past that left you feeling worse than when you arrived? Maybe the funeral was too impersonal and didn’t reflect the life of the one you loved so much. Often, the extent to which services are personalized for the individual directly affects the comfort, hope, and closure experienced by those who attend. Because designing a unique ceremony can help friends and family begin the healing process following a loss, planning is important. If you are planning ahead for your own services or for someone you love, consider how you might include personal elements that are significant, meaningful, and comforting for loved ones.

The Ceremony

The funeral ceremony is an ideal time to bring in meaningful elements to help loved ones reflect and remember. Special music, including live music, selected readings, and shared memories are wonderful ways to bring personal touches to the service. Photo displays and tribute videos that highlight significant moments are also often used to share memories. Another way to personalize a funeral service is to include significant items as part of the arrangement, or to place them in the reception or visitation areas. For example, someone who has worked as a rancher may have their saddle, boots, and riding equipment on display. A person who enjoyed collecting antiques could incorporate favorite pieces, as could someone who had a passion for photography, art, or crafts.  Additionally, it is helpful to choose speakers who can share personal memories and reflections on the life that has been lived.

The Procession

The procession is often overlooked as an opportunity to personalize the service, but many different options may be available in your area. The procession may incorporate any number of elements that are significant to the family, from a motorcycle hearse or beloved fishing boat, to vintage cars, horse-drawn carriage, jazz musicians, and much more. Location The location of a funeral or memorial service can also be a significant choice. Outdoor memorial services or graveside services can incorporate butterfly, balloon or dove releases, which help family and friends visualize releasing their loved one. Anyone who enjoys the outdoors could be celebrated in a special place, such as an outdoor garden, a favorite golf course, the beach or lakeside, in a nature preserve, or favorite park. If weather permits, having the ceremony in a beautiful outdoor setting can be a healing reminder of the natural cycle of life and death and may give loved ones some comfort as they begin the healing process.

Reception & Gathering

Spending time with family and friends is important after a loss. A catered meal or pot-luck style gathering can be customized in a number of ways. Planning for specific food or arranging for a certain recipe to be prepared may remind loved ones of home and of special events or holidays. Gatherings can also be organized around a specific theme and accompanied by photos, stories, and even a time for family traditions or activities.  Events in which loved ones can gather for support may also be an ideal occasion for acts of remembrance and closure, such as candle-lightings, symbolic releases, scattering ceremony, or the establishment of physical memorials. These are just a few suggestions for personalizing a funeral or memorial ceremony. Like the individuals they honor, no two events will look alike or carry the same meaning for those in attendance. The important thing is to plan a service that reflects the life that has been lived and allows family and friends to the opportunity to say goodbye.

Reprinted with permission from Passare.com. 

Hospice care is peace of mind

By Tammy Dermody

In our decades of experience helping people make arrangements for the final stages of life for a loved one, we often hear a common misperception.

Many of our guests — some of whom are supporting family members in potentially life-limiting conditions — hear the word “hospice” and think it’s a place. Many times they think of it like a hospital, but for people toward the end of their lives.

But hospice is not usually a physical place; instead, hospice is peace of mind.

According to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, the following are the primary services of hospice:

• Manage the patient’s pain and symptoms;
• Assist the patient with the emotional and psychosocial and spiritual aspects of dying;
• Provide needed drugs, medical supplies, and equipment;
• Coach the family on how to care for the patient;
• Deliver special services like speech and physical therapy when needed;
• Make short-term inpatient care available when pain or symptoms become too difficult to manage at home, or the caregiver needs respite time; and
• Provide bereavement care and counseling to surviving family and friends.

So hospice is help — physical, emotional and spiritual, if desired. Hospice of course assists those nearing the ends of their lives, but it also supports family members through comfort, counseling and more.

The hospice team works with the family to make the patient comfortable, helping to relieve their symptoms and pain for the entire length of their illness. This sometimes happens in a facility, but typically the preferred choice is in a patient’s home where they feel most comfortable and happiest. Most hospice providers are on call around the clock.

If you’ve been referred to a hospice provider for a loved one, we know it’s a difficult realization; but please know that the goal of hospice care is to ease a patient’s burdens and encourage communication and comfort. It provides support and comfort your family member needs to live a fuller, more meaningful life, even in the wake of a life-threatening illness.

The Mayo Clinic offers a comprehensive list of the team members typically involved in hospice care, which can include the following:

• A primary care doctor and a hospice doctor or medical director will oversee your or your loved one’s care.
• Nurses will come to your or your loved one’s home or other setting to provide care. Nurses are also responsible for coordination of the hospice care team.
• Home health aides. Home health aides can provide extra support for routine care, such as dressing, bathing and eating.
• Spiritual counselors. Chaplains, priests, lay ministers or other spiritual counselors can provide spiritual care and guidance for the entire family.
• Social workers. Social workers provide counseling and support. They can also provide referrals to other support systems.
• Pharmacists provide medication oversight and suggestions regarding the most effective ways to relieve symptoms.
• Trained hospice volunteers offer a variety of services depending on your needs, from providing company or respite for caregivers to helping with transportation or other practical needs.
• Other professionals. Speech, physical and occupational therapists can provide therapy, if needed.
• Bereavement counselors. Trained bereavement counselors offer support and guidance after the death of a loved one in hospice

We at Walton’s have profound respect for hospice providers who choose to devote their time and energy to this important and challenging time in a person’s life. And we work closely with hospice providers in our area to help their patients — and their families — through these difficult times.

For a list of those providers, please click here.

And benefit from the peace of mind afforded by hospice care to those facing the end of their lives — and to you.

3 Reasons Why People Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

Most people know that it’s important to plan ahead for retirement, weddings, education expenses, and purchasing a home…but not many people think about planning ahead for a funeral. For every other milestone in life, we will have the support of our closest loved ones every step of the way. But funerals are different. Unless a funeral is planned in advance, we must face the difficult task of making arrangements without the help of the one who has died, all while experiencing intense pain and grief. Creating a funeral plan is a simple process. 

People choose to plan ahead for funeral wishes for a variety of reasons. You may wish to protect your loved ones from having to make difficult decisions alone, or you may want to help your family save money. Some people have specific preferences that they wish to document, such as having a green, eco-friendly burial, making an anatomical donation, or having a big party where loved ones can celebrate the life that has been lived.

Below are the three main reasons people choose to plan ahead for final wishes:

1. Family is the number one reason people plan funerals in advance. Without a plan, loved ones are left in the dark, having to make difficult decisions at an emotionally painful time. When you plan ahead, be sure to make your preferences clear about whether you want cremation or burial, and how you want your life to be celebrated.
2. Savings is the second reason. A plan reduces “emotional overspending” that often occurs when families are under stress. A simple yet thoughtful plan can save loved ones hundreds or even thousands of dollars.
3. No one knows what the future holds. But we do know one thing: none of us are promised tomorrow. The future may be uncertain, but we can do something today that will make a difference in the lives of our loved ones.

Planning ahead is easy, and it’s free. Contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation appointment with a professional funeral planning specialist.

Reprinted with permission from Passare.com.

How personal rituals can help alleviate grief

The car was washed once a week when he was alive. Now that he was gone, his wife continued the tradition, even though she didn’t drive the car herself. Another bereaved spouse whose wife had passed away years before remembered her by continuing to go to the hairdresser’s on the first Saturday of every month, just as they had done together throughout their marriage.

Private and Public Rituals

These private rituals were among several discussed in a study conducted by the Harvard Business School and covered in an article by The Atlantic which examined the effects of personal rituals on grief. The study found that personal rituals were an instrumental part of grief recovery.

Public rituals help mourners by gathering family and friends together to offer their comfort and support and to help them transition back into the social world. But private rituals, which the study found to be most helpful, do not help reconnect the bereaved with others in their social group. Instead, they are most often performed alone. For example, one daughter who lost her mother said that when she missed her mother, she listened to one of her mother’s favorite songs.

The study discovered that those who performed personal rituals following a loss recovered much more quickly and reported feeling less despair and pain after the ritual. Why? The researchers found that rituals helped people overcome grief by giving people a greater sense of control when they felt particularly powerless and out of control. When a loss occurs, there is nothing that the bereaved can do. They cannot bring their loved one back. Their world is plunged into chaos and disorder. Nothing is as it was. But a ritual is like a lifeline.

The study found that after performing a ritual, mourners were much less likely to report feeling “helpless,” “powerless,” or “out of control.”

Rituals that Heal

The type of rituals performed by those who experienced a loss varied greatly. They could be a meaningful one-time event or a frequent weekly or daily observance. Below are some ideas for creating a personal ritual that heals:

• Continue a tradition you had with your loved one, and take the time to reflect on what you loved most about the person
• Take up a new hobby or pastime that you would have enjoyed doing with your loved one
• Do something you had always talked about with your loved one, but never had the chance to do before
• Volunteer or raise money for a nonprofit that helped your loved one or that he or she would have admired
• Visit your loved one’s graveside or place of rest and talk about how you feel
• Write a letter to your loved one
• Listen to music he or she loved
• Create a work of art in honor of the person who died

For anyone whose world has been turned upside down by grief, the value of a personal ritual lies in its ability to create a way to remember a lost loved one and gain a renewed sense of control and purpose in the midst of grief. Have you ever taken up a personal ritual to help you cope with grief? Please share and comment below!

Reprinted with permission from Passare.com.